pandar.*

please, stop things from screwing up.

i’m starting to wonder if it’s a good thing that i have the whole entire day to myself. i just had the urge to look through my old blog, to seek my own emotions. it’s been 17000 years since i last dealt with my emotions head-on but i am also aware that i can’t afford to let myself go topsy-turvy now. or perhaps, i’ve learnt to be so rational that no emotions can actually knock my senses over.
i read through many incidents that make me giggle, still. and probably because i know i’ve had so much fun and laughters and reliance that this breakthrough scares me out of my wits. i didn’t know, i never realized i’ve hardened so much. it takes a comparison to the past to create such awareness. maybe that’s the reason why i’ve not revisited my past for a long while; i don’t want to see myself down in that slum again. and today, i see how far i’ve gone beyond i could imagine back then.
i miss LAGF. it takes two hands to clap. i have other priorities and responsibilities on hand now. i cannot afford to fail, definitely not when it’s something within my control. and to have a sort of reconciliation, it takes a lot of effort and time which i can’t come up with. there’re now obligations i need to fulfil. there’s always a time for something…
dear Father in heaven, i know i haven’t done this for a really long time but please forgive me for relying on myself to be strong. Father i feel suffocated in many ways and i pray that you’ll lift this weariness away. and Father i place my plans in Your hands and that You’ll let them fall into place in Your own timing. and Father i pray that You know what my heart desires and You will provide me, the strength to brave through the days ahead. in all i pray in Jesus name, Amen.